And there were moments, like when I was watching TV and he carefully lifted up my thin top to reveal my pale belly. He stoke it gently as if I was made of glass, then he gave a slow kiss and said I was beautiful. Or like the mornings when he was tired and I was talking too much, he would give me a little kiss on the lips instead of saying shut the fuck up honey. Or like when I used to wake up to see him looking at me, lingering there in the moment for a while and then jump out of bed, get dressed, run out the door with his morning hair and come back, after leaving me confused, with pain au chocolate and croissants and all kinds of things from the bakery. Or like when someone called and he would speak French on the phone, I wouldn't understand but it was magical. Or like when I was pissed at him for being stupid and how he didnt have time to say sorry before we met his friends so the hole night he would give me small chocolate bars every now and then that he had taken with him, he would smuggle them in my pockets, and how I couldnt stay mad cos I love chocolate so much. Or like when we were watching this movie, he would lean his head against my shoulder or lay hes hand on my thigh as soon as we burst out in laughter as if he wanted to show me somehow how much he loved the moment we were in. Or like how I waited a full year for him to say he loved me and when he said it he seemed nervous and honest even though I knew he'd said it many times before. Or like when he hugged me so wonderfully hard cos I was crying when I missed him cos he was working so hard. Or like when he kissed me for the first time and we sat at the same place with our lips not leaving each others for more than 2 hours cos we didn't wanna stop, we didn't ever wanna stop. Or like when he stopped smoking and turned into this sex God that just couldn't get enough of me. Or like when he got me a christmas tree cos I'm such a christmas freak. Or like when he had the fever and asked me to come just to hold him. Or like when he took me to a funfair and we were shooting balloons together, and he shot mine in secret so I would win the monkey that I wanted and how mad I was at him for doing it for me. Or like when he picked me up in a taxi at 2.00 in the morning just to sleep next to me for a few hours before I had to go to work at 7.00. If having had all of that, how can you keep yourself from wanting so much more of it?? It's like cleaning your emotions the same way you clean your body from drugs that made you feel like you were on the top of the world once. Above anything you could ever imagine feeling again.